Me in Review…

I’m nearing the end of a significant time in my life. A night in May I ended up in the ER after an intentional overdose of Ativan. Next week is my last session of mandated therapy sessions. I’ve learned a lot of skills from both my group, and individual sessions. Must improved, better look out, etc. This isn’t to say I never had moments of suffering. There were simply handled with more skill and personal awareness than I previously had.

If you had asked me a week ago I would be looking forward to this last session. I would have seen it as the proper milestone it is. A testament to my dedication to self-improvement.

This week has been a rough one. I’ve found it a real test of the skills I’ve learned over the last few months. I’ve found myself failing. The death of an uncle, a recent health scare for my father, money woes, looming employment requirements, and most importantly a falling out with one of the most important friends in my life. A misunderstanding had me scared for her well-being. This brought about an understanding of where I want our relationship. How I’m not satisfied with the sort of stasis it’s been in this last two years. How thinking i’d lost her terrified me. This revelation, however, has seemed to produce exactly that. She’s no longer talking to me. (Update: We’ve hugged it out.) The last few nights have been pretty awful for me. There were moment that I thought I actually may make another attempt on my life. I worked the skills, and while it was awful, it still managed to get me through. So, with one therapy session left, I’m worried about being sent back into the big scary world all on my own.

Is there such a thing as having survivor guilt about your own suicide attempt? It feels like that’s exactly what is happening to me.

I still have a lot of work to do.

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